vein mapping and tangents

For all those who are wondering, this is what a vein map looks like:



...and yes, those are "Little Miss Naughty" jammies.

I rule.

My vasculature, however, does not. Apparently the vein in my right leg is "incongruous" and therefore not suitable for harvest. Good thing I've got two, right?

So I've been pretty good about dealing with the news and such so far but today I started getting...a little scared. This isn't exactly your garden-variety surgery for your textbook problem. Hell, back when my surgeon first operated everything was basically experimental; he even had to "invent" the tests necessary to diagnose and monitor my symptoms.

Yay, I'm a medical miracle.

I am definitely staying positive but today I am scared, and even a bit sad. The thought of the hours of rehab ahead of me, the pain of learning how to walk again, and the reality of spending more time in the hospital as a patient (not as a worker like it's supposed to be) is daunting and overwhelming. This is a pretty big setback at a point in my life when the clock is ticking. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken anymore and every day I spend not getting to where I want to be is...well what if I never get to where I want to be?

Fabulous, this has spawned quite the inner-dialogue...are you ready?

I have always known what I've wanted out of life and always done what I could to get it. Looking back, I have accomplished most of what I set out to do. Obviously life happens and certain goals needed to be adjusted but that's all part of the process. I guess I had always figured that the things I wanted, but couldn't really do much about getting would somehow come. Like the whole silly business of wanting a family of my own and all that squishy stuff. Well, ok, it's not silly but I'm trying to minimize it so I don't feel like I'm missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends and feel like the luckiest person in the world to have them in my life. I want something of my own too. I can't really plan on it happening though because that would mean planning around a major unknown. Most of my friends are married and/or having kids so that certainly doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have fallen in love with the show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." I know, I know, laugh all you want but damn they do some of the cutest things! I absolutely adore all the traditions their family has come up with over the years and I can't wait to introduce a new generation of Stiles to all our wacky family antics!

Maybe I'm thinking all this life-crap would be easier to manage somehow if I had someone around to laugh at (and laugh at me) once in awhile. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing.

If it's really that important to me then I guess I don't need to wait for someone to magically appear out of thin air. Magic only happens at Disney and then they take all your money. Once I finish school and have a better job there wouldn't be anything stopping me from adopting kids and having a family of my own...on my own. Those kids need a home too and if I have one I am more than happy to share.

Then there's the whole debate on have I lived a life worth living? As unpleasant as it is to acknowledge, there is a chance of dying during or after major surgery. If that were to happen, on departure, will my presence in this universe, however brief, leave it a little better than when I arrived? Have I made a positive difference in someone's life? How will I be remembered? Will I be remembered?

Now how the heck does all this relate to vein mapping? Glad you asked! I guess this entire experience is teaching me the value of re-mapping my life. I may not be where I thought I "should" be by now, my previous dreams may be incongruous with the current reality and therefore no longer suitable for harvest. Good thing I can have more than one dream and more than one way to get "there" wherever it may be. No matter how small I am or how brief my time, I have made a difference. Just ask my former students, my family, my friends, my chinchillas and my kitty. I've done the best I can so far just trying to bring a little sunshine with me wherever I go. I can only do so much but I'm proud of everything so far.

Press on.