There is no significant blockage in either leg! That means no bypass surgery!
The not so great news is the inability to explain my symptoms. My surgeon, diligent as ever, spoke with the radiologist and with a sports medicine doc about my case and discovered I may have developed compartment syndrome from scar tissue following the last surgery. I am lined up for compartment pressure testing on Monday morning. Apparently this involves running on a treadmill and needles being stuck into my calf muscles. Joy.
I am still a bit tired from the aortogram and my site is pretty sore so I'll be doing lots of laying around this weekend. I'm sure I will do more than my share of worrying as well about the upcoming tests but that's par for course with me. My goal is to go outside today and get a little run in despite the soreness. I got the a-ok from the doc to resume all activity on Saturday and I intend to do just that. I've got a big deal coming up in October and I plan on being ready!
So hey, thanks to everyone who sent positive energy, words, and virtual hugs the other day. It helped a lot! Mucho thanks to S and S for bringing my nephew over to visit and torture the kitty! She wasn't quite sure what to make of a miniature human being who tried petting her and carried her treats around the house! And of course, thanks to dad for offering his support and mom for Kristie-sitting and making sure I drank water and ate dinner and all those things that mothers are good at. I am a lucky girl.
Press on.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
It's Procedure Time!
What exactly is an aortogram with bilateral runoff? Glad you asked! Here is what my patient care plan has to say provided by the friendly folks at Fairview (my comments in italics):
What happens the day of treatment?
Before treatment, you will meet with a nurse. He or she will:
What happens the day of treatment?
Before treatment, you will meet with a nurse. He or she will:
- take your blood pressure, heart rate, and temperature
- place an IV tube in your vein (we will give you fluids and medicine through this tube)
- complete your paperwork
- test your blood
- talk about what will happen, answer your questions and show you a video
You will also meet with the doctor who will treat you to discuss what will happen during the treatment. You will sign a consent form.
A family member or friend (i.e., Kristie-sitter or mom) can be with you during this time.
What happens during treatment?
We will put dye into your blood vessels, then take X-ray pictures of the vessels.
- You will lie on an X-ray. A sheet will cover you.
- You will receive two drugs through your IV: one to help you relax and one to prevent pain.
- We will clean the area ar your groin and give you a numbing medicine.
- We will put a thin tube (catheter) into a small cut in your groin. The dye will go through this tube and into your blood vessels. (For my procedure the tube will be threaded through to my abdominal aorta and the dye will "run off" down through the vessels in both legs at rest to check for any areas that may be bloccked off or occluded. Then I will flex both my feet to check for occlusions during flexion. My first aortogram showed 100% occlusion below the knees on both legs. Ouch! Let's hope for a better result this time).
- You may notice a warm feeling or pressure in your legs or back from the dye.
- We will take X-ray pictures.
- If we use a balloon inflation or a stent to fix a blockage, you may feel a dull pressure. It is normal to feel a little pain when the balloon inflates.
- When we are finished, we will remove the tube. Pressure is applied to the place where the tube was.
Your family or friends can wait in the lobby during your treatment.
So that's that. A relatively simple and painless procedure that should give more insight into where the blockage is occurring and what exactly will be done to fix it. If you remember, please send some positive energy my way tomorrow. I probably won't be able to post an update until I'm able to walk around like the rest of my fellow bipeds (Friday or Saturday).
Press on.
Can I please have 25 hours in a day? Puh-leeeze?
All I wanted was just one more hour of fitful sleep. Just one. Working 32/48 hours will do that to you. Not to mention sleeping like c-r-a-p. Woke up three separate times in cold sweats and rapid breathing...like I had just fought for an hour and then jumped into bed.
My cat now officially thinks I'm insane...but she loves me anyway!
Obviously the crazy dreams have not stopped, in fact they are becoming quite disturbing and causing me to not sleep. I have a sneaking suspicion my mind is on overdrive with my aortogram only one day away. Even though I have been through the procedure twice before I am still apprehensive and a little frightened at what they will (or will not) find.
My goal for Wednesday is to straighten up around the house so when I come home from the hospital (hopefully on Thursday) everything will be nice and neat. No extra mess, no added stress.
I work Wednesday night (because that's how workaholics roll) and check in for my 0730 aortogram at 0600 Thursday morning. Barring any complications I should be home on some delightfully mind-altering narcotics by Thursday night. All positive thoughts during that time will be much appreciated. I can't promise I'll be answering my phone if anyone wants to chat but whoever is lucky enough to be my Kristie-sitter that night may be persuaded to play secretary...that is, if I ask nice enough before getting drugged up.
I think I'll stay close to home for my run tomorrow. There is a small lake next to my building that is quite beautiful, especially with all the fluffy baby geese waddling around.
Press on.
My cat now officially thinks I'm insane...but she loves me anyway!
Obviously the crazy dreams have not stopped, in fact they are becoming quite disturbing and causing me to not sleep. I have a sneaking suspicion my mind is on overdrive with my aortogram only one day away. Even though I have been through the procedure twice before I am still apprehensive and a little frightened at what they will (or will not) find.
My goal for Wednesday is to straighten up around the house so when I come home from the hospital (hopefully on Thursday) everything will be nice and neat. No extra mess, no added stress.
I work Wednesday night (because that's how workaholics roll) and check in for my 0730 aortogram at 0600 Thursday morning. Barring any complications I should be home on some delightfully mind-altering narcotics by Thursday night. All positive thoughts during that time will be much appreciated. I can't promise I'll be answering my phone if anyone wants to chat but whoever is lucky enough to be my Kristie-sitter that night may be persuaded to play secretary...that is, if I ask nice enough before getting drugged up.
I think I'll stay close to home for my run tomorrow. There is a small lake next to my building that is quite beautiful, especially with all the fluffy baby geese waddling around.
Press on.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
as promised...
Lucy all dolled up for the occasion:
Obie all handsome in his tux:
Me trying to look presentable:
The swankest show in town:
The getaway car:
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Marital Bliss?
I am just about to go to my best friend's wedding. It's quite surreal, in fact. We go all the way back to high school and have lost touch a couple times since then but every time we talk it's like we never skipped a beat. In a way I consider her my sister and it will be strange to see my little "sister" walk down the aisle today. She's all grow'd up, *sniff!*
I have training updates, etc. on the way but it's time to get into my dress...yes kids, I am wearing a dress (and I look damn fine in it if I do say so myself) so try not to fall all over yourselves when I post pictures!
Updates and photos coming soon!
Press on.
I have training updates, etc. on the way but it's time to get into my dress...yes kids, I am wearing a dress (and I look damn fine in it if I do say so myself) so try not to fall all over yourselves when I post pictures!
Updates and photos coming soon!
Press on.
Friday, May 23, 2008
See, I told you it would work out.
Like magic.
No sooner had I posted my last entry when the phone rings and it's time to schedule my angio. Next Thursday is the day and after that things should move rather quickly toward surgery but no definite date for that yet. My primary doc was able to squeeze me in tomorrow morning for a pre-op physical so let's get this show on the road.
If you don't check in before then, try to send some positive juju my way next Thursday. Maybe later I'll tell the story of how I bled out after my first angio...
Press on.
No sooner had I posted my last entry when the phone rings and it's time to schedule my angio. Next Thursday is the day and after that things should move rather quickly toward surgery but no definite date for that yet. My primary doc was able to squeeze me in tomorrow morning for a pre-op physical so let's get this show on the road.
If you don't check in before then, try to send some positive juju my way next Thursday. Maybe later I'll tell the story of how I bled out after my first angio...
Press on.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Scheduling Snafus
Things have been moved back a bit and I'm starting to get nervous. Not only do I have a limited time to get back on my feet (hehe, pun intended) but I have a summer class that starts on June 3rd. The clock is ticking, people!
My surgeon is a busy guy and now his scheduler is out of town for the remainder of the week. With the holiday on Monday, things won't get rolling with the angio until late next week at the earliest meaning surgery early June therefore missing school, the beginning of my official marathon training program, and quite possibly my sanity.
Well whatever, and whenever it happens things will work out in the end. They always do.
Press on.
My surgeon is a busy guy and now his scheduler is out of town for the remainder of the week. With the holiday on Monday, things won't get rolling with the angio until late next week at the earliest meaning surgery early June therefore missing school, the beginning of my official marathon training program, and quite possibly my sanity.
Well whatever, and whenever it happens things will work out in the end. They always do.
Press on.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
strange dreams
I've been having the strangest dreams lately...
Running.
Always running.
This time it's along a well-worn path through an overgrown field. Stems of withered brown blend with blades of lush green. The breeze is a fragrant pat on my shoulder. I tread lightly where many have traveled before. Something is coming but I'm not quite sure what it is. All I know is that I can't let It catch me.
Suddenly I am on a sidewalk that winds around to a small brick building. It looks like a library with large glass windows stretching from floor to ceiling. A large concrete walk snakes around dotted only by patches of freshly-groomed flower beds. There is a lookout with a small blue rail before the earth drops off into the water that separates me from this symbol of civilization. The sky is a deep blue and the sun reflects off the pond that swirls lazily with each whispered gust. The sidewalk on which I run continues around a large grass hill, one that is probably a neighborhood favorite come winter.
I must climb the hill.
It's a steady rise at first and I am feeling strong. I pump my arms and drive my knees. I hear children playing at the top, oblivious to my struggle. It's coming. Somebody help me, It's coming.
A small boy appears at the door of the building. He watches me with grave intent. He whispers but it sounds like a scream, "It's coming." His face is solemn as he takes a step towards the lookout.
The hill is steep now. My breath is moving in desperate gasps. I stumble and fall to my knees. A grass wall looms in front of me. So steep but I must reach the top. Everything will be fine if I can just reach the top. The boy cranes his neck to see me get up and brush off the dirt. I can still hear the children playing. A small gust of wind urges me forward and I begin to climb.
It's so steep I am mostly upright but able to grasp thick blades in front of me. My toe slips and I'm hanging on by a handful of dirt. It slips. I slip. The boy grabs the rail, white-knuckled, his eyes wide and pleading. There is no sound but the slow crumble of the earth beneath my hands, like boulders in a landslide. Somehow I manage to regain footing and return to my panicked scramble upward.
As I reach the top I am blinded by a blazing sun. I swat my hands around thin air in front of me and spin around in senseless confusion. The earth rises up to meet my cheek and as I lie there enervated, I see the world has indeed returned to normal. The children are playing, the boy has disappeared, the grass is prickly on my face.
And so I get up and I run.
I wake up and I am thirsty, so very thirsty.
Feel free to analyze and discuss.
Press on.
Running.
Always running.
This time it's along a well-worn path through an overgrown field. Stems of withered brown blend with blades of lush green. The breeze is a fragrant pat on my shoulder. I tread lightly where many have traveled before. Something is coming but I'm not quite sure what it is. All I know is that I can't let It catch me.
Suddenly I am on a sidewalk that winds around to a small brick building. It looks like a library with large glass windows stretching from floor to ceiling. A large concrete walk snakes around dotted only by patches of freshly-groomed flower beds. There is a lookout with a small blue rail before the earth drops off into the water that separates me from this symbol of civilization. The sky is a deep blue and the sun reflects off the pond that swirls lazily with each whispered gust. The sidewalk on which I run continues around a large grass hill, one that is probably a neighborhood favorite come winter.
I must climb the hill.
It's a steady rise at first and I am feeling strong. I pump my arms and drive my knees. I hear children playing at the top, oblivious to my struggle. It's coming. Somebody help me, It's coming.
A small boy appears at the door of the building. He watches me with grave intent. He whispers but it sounds like a scream, "It's coming." His face is solemn as he takes a step towards the lookout.
The hill is steep now. My breath is moving in desperate gasps. I stumble and fall to my knees. A grass wall looms in front of me. So steep but I must reach the top. Everything will be fine if I can just reach the top. The boy cranes his neck to see me get up and brush off the dirt. I can still hear the children playing. A small gust of wind urges me forward and I begin to climb.
It's so steep I am mostly upright but able to grasp thick blades in front of me. My toe slips and I'm hanging on by a handful of dirt. It slips. I slip. The boy grabs the rail, white-knuckled, his eyes wide and pleading. There is no sound but the slow crumble of the earth beneath my hands, like boulders in a landslide. Somehow I manage to regain footing and return to my panicked scramble upward.
As I reach the top I am blinded by a blazing sun. I swat my hands around thin air in front of me and spin around in senseless confusion. The earth rises up to meet my cheek and as I lie there enervated, I see the world has indeed returned to normal. The children are playing, the boy has disappeared, the grass is prickly on my face.
And so I get up and I run.
I wake up and I am thirsty, so very thirsty.
Feel free to analyze and discuss.
Press on.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Runners Are Strange, Part 2
-we know how many miles are on our shoes but couldn't tell you how many are on our car
-mud is fun
-curbs were actually invented to stretch calves, not protect cars
-yes, that beeping is coming from my watch, time to hydrate!
-for the last time, they're called spikes, not cleats!
-we can tell you our heart rate at any given second of any given day
-if our pee isn't clear we'll drink and drink and drink (water) until it is
-we have a warm-up mix, a cool-down mix, an interval mix, an LSD mix, etc...
-we obsess over our iPods
-LSD isn't a drug
That's all for now!
Press on.
-mud is fun
-curbs were actually invented to stretch calves, not protect cars
-yes, that beeping is coming from my watch, time to hydrate!
-for the last time, they're called spikes, not cleats!
-we can tell you our heart rate at any given second of any given day
-if our pee isn't clear we'll drink and drink and drink (water) until it is
-we have a warm-up mix, a cool-down mix, an interval mix, an LSD mix, etc...
-we obsess over our iPods
-LSD isn't a drug
That's all for now!
Press on.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
zzzzz...
The State Park field trip has been rescheduled for next weekend.
I guess I was a bit behind on sleep because that's about all I did today. I managed to clean up around the dining room, play a few rounds of fetch with Annie Kitty, and make a few phone calls but that's about it. Part of me feels like a lazy bum but another part of me feels rested and energized. I think I'll pay attention to the latter to ensure a productive tomorrow.
Needless to say, the only running I did was to the phone when it rang and I was in the other room. For today, that will have to be good enough.
See how I chose to focus on the positive, then accepted the reality of the situation, and can now move on? My therapist will be so proud!
Press on.
I guess I was a bit behind on sleep because that's about all I did today. I managed to clean up around the dining room, play a few rounds of fetch with Annie Kitty, and make a few phone calls but that's about it. Part of me feels like a lazy bum but another part of me feels rested and energized. I think I'll pay attention to the latter to ensure a productive tomorrow.
Needless to say, the only running I did was to the phone when it rang and I was in the other room. For today, that will have to be good enough.
See how I chose to focus on the positive, then accepted the reality of the situation, and can now move on? My therapist will be so proud!
Press on.
Friday, May 16, 2008
A Rather Productive Day Off
Today was a day off and I took full advantage. I reorganized my bookshelf, trimmed kitty's claws (this took the better part of the afternoon), caught up on phone calls and e-mails, cleaned the guest bathroom, ate some junk food, and watched the fantastic basketball games!
I am planning my field trip for tomorrow...oh where oh where shall I run? I need to collect some stamps in my Passport Club and Hiking Club books so I may hit one of Minnesota's lovely State Parks.
I love being nerdy!
Press on.
I am planning my field trip for tomorrow...oh where oh where shall I run? I need to collect some stamps in my Passport Club and Hiking Club books so I may hit one of Minnesota's lovely State Parks.
I love being nerdy!
Press on.
reflections on the water
Had so much fun at Staring Lake last week I decided to do my 2 miles there again yesterday. This time it was a perfect 76 degrees with plenty of sunshine. I even shaved 4 minutes off my time from last week and my calves didn't hurt!
Afterwards I went out on one of the docks to stretch, do some abs, knock out some push-ups, and enjoy how the sunshine reflected off the rippling water as a light breeze kissed the surface.
I hope I am lucky enough to live on the water one day. Soothes my soul...
"There've been times that I thought
I couldn't last for long
but now I think I'm able
to carry on.
It's been a long
a long time coming
but I know
a change gon' come,
oh yes it will."
Singing straight to my soul, Sam.
Press on.
Afterwards I went out on one of the docks to stretch, do some abs, knock out some push-ups, and enjoy how the sunshine reflected off the rippling water as a light breeze kissed the surface.
I hope I am lucky enough to live on the water one day. Soothes my soul...
"There've been times that I thought
I couldn't last for long
but now I think I'm able
to carry on.
It's been a long
a long time coming
but I know
a change gon' come,
oh yes it will."
Singing straight to my soul, Sam.
Press on.
70 and Sunny!
It was a beautiful day on Wednesday so I headed out to Lake Calhoun for my run. The entire state had risen from hibernation and was out and about soaking in the sun. Things got a little tough around 15 minutes but Buju Banton "...walk like a champion, act like a champion..." & MIA "...we pack and deliver like UPS trucks..." were in my headphones to cheer me on and induce a second wind...
Gotta love it. The rest was easy and I thanked the music and the sunshine with a smile.
Press on.
Gotta love it. The rest was easy and I thanked the music and the sunshine with a smile.
Press on.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Why I Love My Family
I love my family. Here is reason # 348912349781364983:
Came home this afternoon from a long night of work and a long day of appointments to find my mom and sister there assembling a new floor lamp (I tripped over mine and broke it a few weeks ago because I'm graceful like that), putting away groceries, and finishing up some laundry. It was such a relief after a painful couple of days to have those few things done I just about cried.
After they left I shluffed off to bed for a much-needed day of sleep. I didn't have the energy to run and my calves, while better than yesterday, were still a bit sore. I came to the decision that it was ok I didn't run today. I have to take a deep breath to say I accept my decision but there it is. I look forward to running tomorrow and, thanks to my awesome family, having some yummy food to eat afterwards :)
Press on.
Came home this afternoon from a long night of work and a long day of appointments to find my mom and sister there assembling a new floor lamp (I tripped over mine and broke it a few weeks ago because I'm graceful like that), putting away groceries, and finishing up some laundry. It was such a relief after a painful couple of days to have those few things done I just about cried.
After they left I shluffed off to bed for a much-needed day of sleep. I didn't have the energy to run and my calves, while better than yesterday, were still a bit sore. I came to the decision that it was ok I didn't run today. I have to take a deep breath to say I accept my decision but there it is. I look forward to running tomorrow and, thanks to my awesome family, having some yummy food to eat afterwards :)
Press on.
Monday, May 12, 2008
vein mapping and tangents
For all those who are wondering, this is what a vein map looks like:
...and yes, those are "Little Miss Naughty" jammies.
I rule.
My vasculature, however, does not. Apparently the vein in my right leg is "incongruous" and therefore not suitable for harvest. Good thing I've got two, right?
So I've been pretty good about dealing with the news and such so far but today I started getting...a little scared. This isn't exactly your garden-variety surgery for your textbook problem. Hell, back when my surgeon first operated everything was basically experimental; he even had to "invent" the tests necessary to diagnose and monitor my symptoms.
Yay, I'm a medical miracle.
I am definitely staying positive but today I am scared, and even a bit sad. The thought of the hours of rehab ahead of me, the pain of learning how to walk again, and the reality of spending more time in the hospital as a patient (not as a worker like it's supposed to be) is daunting and overwhelming. This is a pretty big setback at a point in my life when the clock is ticking. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken anymore and every day I spend not getting to where I want to be is...well what if I never get to where I want to be?
Fabulous, this has spawned quite the inner-dialogue...are you ready?
I have always known what I've wanted out of life and always done what I could to get it. Looking back, I have accomplished most of what I set out to do. Obviously life happens and certain goals needed to be adjusted but that's all part of the process. I guess I had always figured that the things I wanted, but couldn't really do much about getting would somehow come. Like the whole silly business of wanting a family of my own and all that squishy stuff. Well, ok, it's not silly but I'm trying to minimize it so I don't feel like I'm missing out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends and feel like the luckiest person in the world to have them in my life. I want something of my own too. I can't really plan on it happening though because that would mean planning around a major unknown. Most of my friends are married and/or having kids so that certainly doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have fallen in love with the show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." I know, I know, laugh all you want but damn they do some of the cutest things! I absolutely adore all the traditions their family has come up with over the years and I can't wait to introduce a new generation of Stiles to all our wacky family antics!
Maybe I'm thinking all this life-crap would be easier to manage somehow if I had someone around to laugh at (and laugh at me) once in awhile. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing.
If it's really that important to me then I guess I don't need to wait for someone to magically appear out of thin air. Magic only happens at Disney and then they take all your money. Once I finish school and have a better job there wouldn't be anything stopping me from adopting kids and having a family of my own...on my own. Those kids need a home too and if I have one I am more than happy to share.
Then there's the whole debate on have I lived a life worth living? As unpleasant as it is to acknowledge, there is a chance of dying during or after major surgery. If that were to happen, on departure, will my presence in this universe, however brief, leave it a little better than when I arrived? Have I made a positive difference in someone's life? How will I be remembered? Will I be remembered?
Now how the heck does all this relate to vein mapping? Glad you asked! I guess this entire experience is teaching me the value of re-mapping my life. I may not be where I thought I "should" be by now, my previous dreams may be incongruous with the current reality and therefore no longer suitable for harvest. Good thing I can have more than one dream and more than one way to get "there" wherever it may be. No matter how small I am or how brief my time, I have made a difference. Just ask my former students, my family, my friends, my chinchillas and my kitty. I've done the best I can so far just trying to bring a little sunshine with me wherever I go. I can only do so much but I'm proud of everything so far.
Press on.
...and yes, those are "Little Miss Naughty" jammies.
I rule.
My vasculature, however, does not. Apparently the vein in my right leg is "incongruous" and therefore not suitable for harvest. Good thing I've got two, right?
So I've been pretty good about dealing with the news and such so far but today I started getting...a little scared. This isn't exactly your garden-variety surgery for your textbook problem. Hell, back when my surgeon first operated everything was basically experimental; he even had to "invent" the tests necessary to diagnose and monitor my symptoms.
Yay, I'm a medical miracle.
I am definitely staying positive but today I am scared, and even a bit sad. The thought of the hours of rehab ahead of me, the pain of learning how to walk again, and the reality of spending more time in the hospital as a patient (not as a worker like it's supposed to be) is daunting and overwhelming. This is a pretty big setback at a point in my life when the clock is ticking. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken anymore and every day I spend not getting to where I want to be is...well what if I never get to where I want to be?
Fabulous, this has spawned quite the inner-dialogue...are you ready?
I have always known what I've wanted out of life and always done what I could to get it. Looking back, I have accomplished most of what I set out to do. Obviously life happens and certain goals needed to be adjusted but that's all part of the process. I guess I had always figured that the things I wanted, but couldn't really do much about getting would somehow come. Like the whole silly business of wanting a family of my own and all that squishy stuff. Well, ok, it's not silly but I'm trying to minimize it so I don't feel like I'm missing out.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and friends and feel like the luckiest person in the world to have them in my life. I want something of my own too. I can't really plan on it happening though because that would mean planning around a major unknown. Most of my friends are married and/or having kids so that certainly doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have fallen in love with the show "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." I know, I know, laugh all you want but damn they do some of the cutest things! I absolutely adore all the traditions their family has come up with over the years and I can't wait to introduce a new generation of Stiles to all our wacky family antics!
Maybe I'm thinking all this life-crap would be easier to manage somehow if I had someone around to laugh at (and laugh at me) once in awhile. Maybe I'm just romanticizing the whole thing.
If it's really that important to me then I guess I don't need to wait for someone to magically appear out of thin air. Magic only happens at Disney and then they take all your money. Once I finish school and have a better job there wouldn't be anything stopping me from adopting kids and having a family of my own...on my own. Those kids need a home too and if I have one I am more than happy to share.
Then there's the whole debate on have I lived a life worth living? As unpleasant as it is to acknowledge, there is a chance of dying during or after major surgery. If that were to happen, on departure, will my presence in this universe, however brief, leave it a little better than when I arrived? Have I made a positive difference in someone's life? How will I be remembered? Will I be remembered?
Now how the heck does all this relate to vein mapping? Glad you asked! I guess this entire experience is teaching me the value of re-mapping my life. I may not be where I thought I "should" be by now, my previous dreams may be incongruous with the current reality and therefore no longer suitable for harvest. Good thing I can have more than one dream and more than one way to get "there" wherever it may be. No matter how small I am or how brief my time, I have made a difference. Just ask my former students, my family, my friends, my chinchillas and my kitty. I've done the best I can so far just trying to bring a little sunshine with me wherever I go. I can only do so much but I'm proud of everything so far.
Press on.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
sledgehammers ahead
I really wanted to go to the grocery store today but I can barely walk from one end of my apartment to the other. My legs feel like somebody took a sledgehammer to them over and over and over...
So no, I won't be leaving home today.
I figured out if I walk on my heels without really lifting my toes or pushing off the balls of my feet to take a step they don't hurt that bad. They just ache which is much better than the aforementioned sledgehammer effect.
Good thing tomorrow I have the choice of doing some cross training or sitting on my ass. Maybe I'll be able to walk like a normal person by then. If not, everyone can laugh at my sorry attempt at a waddle. I aim to amuse, just ignore the grimace on my face if I accidentally try to do my fast walk.
Press on.
P.S. - Thanks to Sam for letting me sit down all evening watching basketball while he made me dinner and walked my laundry all the way down the hall :) You're the best!
So no, I won't be leaving home today.
I figured out if I walk on my heels without really lifting my toes or pushing off the balls of my feet to take a step they don't hurt that bad. They just ache which is much better than the aforementioned sledgehammer effect.
Good thing tomorrow I have the choice of doing some cross training or sitting on my ass. Maybe I'll be able to walk like a normal person by then. If not, everyone can laugh at my sorry attempt at a waddle. I aim to amuse, just ignore the grimace on my face if I accidentally try to do my fast walk.
Press on.
P.S. - Thanks to Sam for letting me sit down all evening watching basketball while he made me dinner and walked my laundry all the way down the hall :) You're the best!
Save My Ta Tas
It was quite chilly out this morning as I stepped out onto the north parking lot of the Mall of America. The temperature, that is, not the people. I was instantly transported into a world of acceptance, joy, and unity for a cause. For those of you who don't know, today, Mother's Day, was the day of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure for Breast Cancer. Thousands of people gathered in memory of those who died and in celebration of those who survived. From tiny tots in strollers to old women in wheelchairs and everything in between. So many names of why people were running. So many lives affected by a disease with no cure. So many faces of hope as women wearing pink shirts passing by with a smile (the pink shirts are reserved solely for survivors). The air was that of celebration and hope. Made me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Here is the link for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure website. Check out all the great information about breast cancer, research, treatment, and survival. Moving My Buns to Save My Breasts!
Over 200,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year. Early detection is key for survival so all you women out there, do your monthly self exam and/or get your annual mammogram today!
Press on.
What time is it again?
It's ass-crack o'clock and I am up and at 'em. Not by choice. I had meant to sleep for at least another couple hours but my calves had other plans. I thought they were giving me a respite when they weren't hurting during my run yesterday but it turns out they were just saving up for now!
Let me elaborate. Do you remember getting a tetanus shot? Remember how it felt like someone had punched you in the arm really hard for a few days afterward? That's how my legs feel right now. Usually they feel like someone punched me there sorta hard but tonight they are screaming.
Rest is out of the question. In fact, I barely know what that strange word means.
Ice doesn't help...kinda restricts the blood flow and I have enough of that going on!
Compression...see Ice.
Elevation...again, see Ice.
Advil. Only helps a little so I try not to pump my poor, overworked kidneys full of it.
So I guess I'm up. I was going to get up soon anyway for the Komen 5K which starts in...3 1/2 hours. Damn, that's at least 2 hours of sleep right there. Ah well. I'll be getting my dishes and laundry done instead!
I'll post an update on the race. Should be a bit chilly but I don't think I'll notice. The camaraderie for a singular cause should warm me up plenty.
Sleep on!
Let me elaborate. Do you remember getting a tetanus shot? Remember how it felt like someone had punched you in the arm really hard for a few days afterward? That's how my legs feel right now. Usually they feel like someone punched me there sorta hard but tonight they are screaming.
Rest is out of the question. In fact, I barely know what that strange word means.
Ice doesn't help...kinda restricts the blood flow and I have enough of that going on!
Compression...see Ice.
Elevation...again, see Ice.
Advil. Only helps a little so I try not to pump my poor, overworked kidneys full of it.
So I guess I'm up. I was going to get up soon anyway for the Komen 5K which starts in...3 1/2 hours. Damn, that's at least 2 hours of sleep right there. Ah well. I'll be getting my dishes and laundry done instead!
I'll post an update on the race. Should be a bit chilly but I don't think I'll notice. The camaraderie for a singular cause should warm me up plenty.
Sleep on!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
A Run Down Memory Lane
It wasn't raining when I left for my field trip out to Staring Lake for today's run. It started as soon as I hit the freeway with a drizzle progressing to full-on downpour by the time I turned by Oak Pointe. I thought about giving up and going to the health club instead but the thought of another treadmill run this week, even if impressive calf-man and impressively tan calf-man make an appearance, made me want to go home and sleep instead. So I sucked it up and kept going. The universe told me I had made the right decision when the rain suddenly stopped just as I stepped out of the Silver Stallion for my run down memory lane.
Let's begin at the playground. The jungle gyms have changed quite a bit since my days of sand castles and swing sets. I remember spending hours here running around like a wild child with my friends. If I am not mistaken, I think there used to be a zip line at the far end of the park but I am not sure of that. Can any of my EP peeps help me out on this one?
Heh, I just said peeps.
The trail takes a steep decline as you pass the park and opens up to a view of the amphitheater on your right. The amphitheater my friends and I saw Inflatable Date at one year and rushed the stage pretending to be screaming groupies at our friend the guitarist's feet. Good times.
Pass the bench and continue counterclockwise around the lake. I seem to remember running repeats along this stretch of trail on more than one occasion. This area is quite serene as you disappear into the woods and lose sight of civilization for awhile.
It was at this point when I realized I forgot my iPod. No worries, the birds were singing a sweet serenade to the drum of my footsteps and the swoosh-swoosh of my windbreaker. I was all one with my thoughts and decided I wasn't going to miss my music today.
Rounding the bend I crossed the bridge over Purgatory Creek and into the area of the Nature Center. I can't remember who I came here with the most but I remember spending a lot of time here as well. Yeah, I'm a bit of a nature-girl.
Cross the bridge back onto the main trail and wind around until you run parallel to Staring Lake Parkway and all the mansions. I can't imagine what it would be like to live somewhere with so much space. Seems a bit of a waste to me. I like my cozy apartment with no property taxes thankyouverymuch.
The best part of the run was near then end passing by the sliding hill. So many fond memories tubing here with family and friends. One year we had liberated some trays from the school cafeteria and realized they made sweet sleds. Another time we drank hot chocolate all night and played cards instead of tubing.
As I climbed the hill at the end of my run I thanked myself for braving mother nature. The rain was a welcome respite on my heated face by this time and as the wind picked up I vowed to remember my experience next time I think I'd rather curl up in bed instead of facing the rain.
Press on.
Let's begin at the playground. The jungle gyms have changed quite a bit since my days of sand castles and swing sets. I remember spending hours here running around like a wild child with my friends. If I am not mistaken, I think there used to be a zip line at the far end of the park but I am not sure of that. Can any of my EP peeps help me out on this one?
Heh, I just said peeps.
The trail takes a steep decline as you pass the park and opens up to a view of the amphitheater on your right. The amphitheater my friends and I saw Inflatable Date at one year and rushed the stage pretending to be screaming groupies at our friend the guitarist's feet. Good times.
Pass the bench and continue counterclockwise around the lake. I seem to remember running repeats along this stretch of trail on more than one occasion. This area is quite serene as you disappear into the woods and lose sight of civilization for awhile.
It was at this point when I realized I forgot my iPod. No worries, the birds were singing a sweet serenade to the drum of my footsteps and the swoosh-swoosh of my windbreaker. I was all one with my thoughts and decided I wasn't going to miss my music today.
Rounding the bend I crossed the bridge over Purgatory Creek and into the area of the Nature Center. I can't remember who I came here with the most but I remember spending a lot of time here as well. Yeah, I'm a bit of a nature-girl.
Cross the bridge back onto the main trail and wind around until you run parallel to Staring Lake Parkway and all the mansions. I can't imagine what it would be like to live somewhere with so much space. Seems a bit of a waste to me. I like my cozy apartment with no property taxes thankyouverymuch.
The best part of the run was near then end passing by the sliding hill. So many fond memories tubing here with family and friends. One year we had liberated some trays from the school cafeteria and realized they made sweet sleds. Another time we drank hot chocolate all night and played cards instead of tubing.
As I climbed the hill at the end of my run I thanked myself for braving mother nature. The rain was a welcome respite on my heated face by this time and as the wind picked up I vowed to remember my experience next time I think I'd rather curl up in bed instead of facing the rain.
Press on.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Runners Are Strange, Part 1
This will be an ongoing series of the blog. From time to time I will list and/or elaborate on all the strange things us runners do. Feel free to add to the list. Enjoy!
Runner's Are Strange, Part 1
-spitting is an art form
-same goes for farmer blows
-frozen veggies are not for eating
-golf courses are not for golf
-splits have nothing to do with stretching
-nipple tape is perfectly normal
-we could make a quilt (or ten) out of old race t-shirts, especially the cotton ones
-we know the distance in miles and kilometers from our house to just about anywhere (within running distance)
-Gu, PowerBar, and Gatorade should each have their own place on the Food Guide Pyramid with pasta and beer filling up the rest
-we have every race bib we've ever worn tucked away in a box or scrapbook and every safety pin strewn about the house
That's all for today. Press on!
Runner's Are Strange, Part 1
-spitting is an art form
-same goes for farmer blows
-frozen veggies are not for eating
-golf courses are not for golf
-splits have nothing to do with stretching
-nipple tape is perfectly normal
-we could make a quilt (or ten) out of old race t-shirts, especially the cotton ones
-we know the distance in miles and kilometers from our house to just about anywhere (within running distance)
-Gu, PowerBar, and Gatorade should each have their own place on the Food Guide Pyramid with pasta and beer filling up the rest
-we have every race bib we've ever worn tucked away in a box or scrapbook and every safety pin strewn about the house
That's all for today. Press on!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Why I've Almost Lost Faith
It was a short two miles today but somehow I had plenty of time to reminisce about life, love, and whether the two shall meet. Now let me set things straight, I believe people are inherently good. I choose to seek out the potential in people, sometimes overlooking the bad. This has gotten me into situations with people who, somewhere along the path of life strayed from their essence to do bad things. Very bad things.
Yet somehow I manage to cling to the belief that we are all good. This stubborn hold on an ideology has unfortunately taken a toll on my heart. When it comes to relationships with men I have found more than my share of those who have strayed. The last person I fell in Love with was nothing but a lying cheat who never had any respect for me. This absolutely boggles my mind! I just don't understand how one can treat another so terrible! It just doesn't compute in my head with my beliefs. If I say I Love someone I Love them. Entirely. There is no lying, no "accidental" straying, no apathy or disrespect, only unconditional Love.
The last person I actually liked and wanted to see more of fed me all the lines I wanted to hear and then disappeared off the face of the earth. I mean who does that? If I say I like someone I mean it, I don't go around spewing shit for no reason. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Is that really such a rare thing these days?
Apparently so.
I am perilously close to losing all hope in manity. So far my crazy notion that adults should honestly, and openly communicate and say what they mean and mean what they say has been proven wrong. Over and over and over.
I haven't checked myself out of the dating world yet but believe me I'm hanging in there by a thread.
Overall it was a productive 2 miles but I must admit I'm feeling a bit sad about the entire subject. I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to lose the part of me that believes in True Love and the sweeping off of feet and the endless oasis in strong embraces...
I guess the only thing to do for now is press on...with caution...
Yet somehow I manage to cling to the belief that we are all good. This stubborn hold on an ideology has unfortunately taken a toll on my heart. When it comes to relationships with men I have found more than my share of those who have strayed. The last person I fell in Love with was nothing but a lying cheat who never had any respect for me. This absolutely boggles my mind! I just don't understand how one can treat another so terrible! It just doesn't compute in my head with my beliefs. If I say I Love someone I Love them. Entirely. There is no lying, no "accidental" straying, no apathy or disrespect, only unconditional Love.
The last person I actually liked and wanted to see more of fed me all the lines I wanted to hear and then disappeared off the face of the earth. I mean who does that? If I say I like someone I mean it, I don't go around spewing shit for no reason. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Is that really such a rare thing these days?
Apparently so.
I am perilously close to losing all hope in manity. So far my crazy notion that adults should honestly, and openly communicate and say what they mean and mean what they say has been proven wrong. Over and over and over.
I haven't checked myself out of the dating world yet but believe me I'm hanging in there by a thread.
Overall it was a productive 2 miles but I must admit I'm feeling a bit sad about the entire subject. I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to lose the part of me that believes in True Love and the sweeping off of feet and the endless oasis in strong embraces...
I guess the only thing to do for now is press on...with caution...
a little inspiration
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I couldn't have put it better myself sister.
Press on.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I couldn't have put it better myself sister.
Press on.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
rainy days and Tuesdays always get me down
It started out as a gorgeous day. Sunny, warm, and not too windy. I had appointments all morning and enjoyed the drive around town with the moon roof down and the music up loud! It was just about the time I arrived home, energized and ready to run today's 2 miles when the skies opened up and said "how about a swim instead?"
Dang.
Off to the health club for a date with the treadmill.
They are remodeling my club and everything looks all spiffy and new but I am a little irked with the layout of the cardio area. It's an intelligent design, with large TV banks in the middle with half the machines facing the other half. My issue is that I have to look at the other half of the room looking back at me. When I go to the club I am not one of those women who get all dolled up before working out in hope of being accosted by one of the meat heads preening in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors by the free weights. I throw on my headphones, avoid eye-contact, and stay focused on the workout at hand. No time for jibber-jabber, see? So this new layout puts a serious wrench in the no eye-contact rule and forces me to stare at creepy stairmaster-guy and over-zealous recumbant bike woman while I try to crank out my measly two miles as fast as possible. There's only so much College Jeopardy I can stand while bouncing up and down before feeling nauseous.
To save the day, an older gentleman hopped on the cross-trainer in front of me with the most perfect calf muscles I've ever seen! As I ran, admiring the way the tendons enclosed the popliteal space, another man, equally old, jumped on the machine next to him with an even more impressive set! His were slightly more defined and plenty tan to show off each and every delicious curve. I love me a good pair of calf muscles. Before I knew it the two miles were up. I said a silent farewell to the two impressive calf-men, did my obligatory stretch, and headed out in the rainy afternoon.
Press on.
Dang.
Off to the health club for a date with the treadmill.
They are remodeling my club and everything looks all spiffy and new but I am a little irked with the layout of the cardio area. It's an intelligent design, with large TV banks in the middle with half the machines facing the other half. My issue is that I have to look at the other half of the room looking back at me. When I go to the club I am not one of those women who get all dolled up before working out in hope of being accosted by one of the meat heads preening in front of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors by the free weights. I throw on my headphones, avoid eye-contact, and stay focused on the workout at hand. No time for jibber-jabber, see? So this new layout puts a serious wrench in the no eye-contact rule and forces me to stare at creepy stairmaster-guy and over-zealous recumbant bike woman while I try to crank out my measly two miles as fast as possible. There's only so much College Jeopardy I can stand while bouncing up and down before feeling nauseous.
To save the day, an older gentleman hopped on the cross-trainer in front of me with the most perfect calf muscles I've ever seen! As I ran, admiring the way the tendons enclosed the popliteal space, another man, equally old, jumped on the machine next to him with an even more impressive set! His were slightly more defined and plenty tan to show off each and every delicious curve. I love me a good pair of calf muscles. Before I knew it the two miles were up. I said a silent farewell to the two impressive calf-men, did my obligatory stretch, and headed out in the rainy afternoon.
Press on.
Monday, May 5, 2008
A Brief History of My World
For those of you who are not familiar with my colorful surgical past read on. The rest of you can wait on bated breath for my next post.
I've had more surgeries than an 80 year old with a heart condition. My scars will win any contest and I know more about my innards than I sometimes care to admit.
I'll spare you the early years and skip ahead to my early twenties. I presented to our team's sports doc with shortness of breath. I was getting overwhelmingly tired during practice and noticed that despite my conditioning I was breathing much harder than usual. I was diagnosed as having exercise-induced asthma and was prescribed a myriad of medications and inhalers. Of course this was a misdiagnosis and none of the meds worked. Follow-up visits turned into fishing expeditions peppered with blood work, image scans, and various tests all negative. Our frustration grew and I began to notice extreme fatigue and tightness in my calf muscles. This was nothing new but due to the demands of D1 training I decided it deserved a mention. On a whim, my doc suggested we take my distal pulses before and after workouts just to see what would happen. Lo and behold I had normal pulses at rest and diminished pulses after practice.
This, of course, was not good.
I was instantly referred to the greatest vascular surgeon ever and put through another battery of tests. I was diagnosed with a rare condition called Popliteal Artery Entrapment Syndrome, or PAES. I will try and dig up a picture of my angiogram showing 100% occlusion from the popliteal space down on BOTH legs. No wonder my legs hurt! The radiologist who performed the angio told me I would never run again. My surgeon's colleagues said my case was inoperable. Luckily, my surgeon was just as stubborn as I and was determined to fix me good as new. The first operation was an exploratory endeavor where he freed up the space around the artery by shaving off a good portion of the medial attachment of both gastrocnemius muscles. Having surgery on one leg is bad enough but imagine trying to get up and walk around on two post-surgical legs. It was months before I regained full range of motion and was comfortably able to run again. I say comfortably because I was actually up and doing something that resembled running shortly after surgery. I recall weaning myself off all narcotics within a couple days because I was worried the NCAA would give me a drug test and I would fail! I continued to run and compete until...
The pain returned.
Another round of tests and a visit with my surgeon showed my body was quite good at adapting. Too good, in fact. The attachments had grown back even bigger than before! In a normal person regeneration is good. Not so in my case! The decision was made to operate again, this time completely severing each attachment. This meant I would forever have weaker calf muscles but this outweighed the alternative. More rehab and learning how to walk, this time with the disadvantage of less muscle mass and stability in my joint. I give major props to the PT and weight room staff at the U for inventing creative ways for me to rehab and train.
Once again, the pain returned.
This time the cause of the occlusion was difficult to determine but something had to be done. Onto bilateral popliteal bypass. This was by far the most difficult surgery in terms of recovery. I had 4 scars on my right leg (2 from the bypass and 2 from the harvest of my GS vein) and 2 on my left making movement extremely difficult. I also had extensive nerve damage which took over a year to heal. Rehab was especially difficult, both mentally and physically but once again I prevailed and was up and running in no time. The year was 2002 and I had managed to successfully run 5 years of D1 track as a scholarship athlete despite everything.
It is now 2008 and I am training for a marathon. The pain has returned, once again, and I am faced with another bypass surgery and rehab. The graft in my left leg has failed and the graft in my right provides minimal blood supply at best. My surgeon is a good sport and he is still stubborn as ever and told me he will do whatever he can to fix this thing.
So that's my PAES story. It's not over yet. I am requesting visitors bearing gifts especially funny cards or letters, episodes of Scrubs, and egg-free cookies while in the hospital so get your ovens ready!
I've had more surgeries than an 80 year old with a heart condition. My scars will win any contest and I know more about my innards than I sometimes care to admit.
I'll spare you the early years and skip ahead to my early twenties. I presented to our team's sports doc with shortness of breath. I was getting overwhelmingly tired during practice and noticed that despite my conditioning I was breathing much harder than usual. I was diagnosed as having exercise-induced asthma and was prescribed a myriad of medications and inhalers. Of course this was a misdiagnosis and none of the meds worked. Follow-up visits turned into fishing expeditions peppered with blood work, image scans, and various tests all negative. Our frustration grew and I began to notice extreme fatigue and tightness in my calf muscles. This was nothing new but due to the demands of D1 training I decided it deserved a mention. On a whim, my doc suggested we take my distal pulses before and after workouts just to see what would happen. Lo and behold I had normal pulses at rest and diminished pulses after practice.
This, of course, was not good.
I was instantly referred to the greatest vascular surgeon ever and put through another battery of tests. I was diagnosed with a rare condition called Popliteal Artery Entrapment Syndrome, or PAES. I will try and dig up a picture of my angiogram showing 100% occlusion from the popliteal space down on BOTH legs. No wonder my legs hurt! The radiologist who performed the angio told me I would never run again. My surgeon's colleagues said my case was inoperable. Luckily, my surgeon was just as stubborn as I and was determined to fix me good as new. The first operation was an exploratory endeavor where he freed up the space around the artery by shaving off a good portion of the medial attachment of both gastrocnemius muscles. Having surgery on one leg is bad enough but imagine trying to get up and walk around on two post-surgical legs. It was months before I regained full range of motion and was comfortably able to run again. I say comfortably because I was actually up and doing something that resembled running shortly after surgery. I recall weaning myself off all narcotics within a couple days because I was worried the NCAA would give me a drug test and I would fail! I continued to run and compete until...
The pain returned.
Another round of tests and a visit with my surgeon showed my body was quite good at adapting. Too good, in fact. The attachments had grown back even bigger than before! In a normal person regeneration is good. Not so in my case! The decision was made to operate again, this time completely severing each attachment. This meant I would forever have weaker calf muscles but this outweighed the alternative. More rehab and learning how to walk, this time with the disadvantage of less muscle mass and stability in my joint. I give major props to the PT and weight room staff at the U for inventing creative ways for me to rehab and train.
Once again, the pain returned.
This time the cause of the occlusion was difficult to determine but something had to be done. Onto bilateral popliteal bypass. This was by far the most difficult surgery in terms of recovery. I had 4 scars on my right leg (2 from the bypass and 2 from the harvest of my GS vein) and 2 on my left making movement extremely difficult. I also had extensive nerve damage which took over a year to heal. Rehab was especially difficult, both mentally and physically but once again I prevailed and was up and running in no time. The year was 2002 and I had managed to successfully run 5 years of D1 track as a scholarship athlete despite everything.
It is now 2008 and I am training for a marathon. The pain has returned, once again, and I am faced with another bypass surgery and rehab. The graft in my left leg has failed and the graft in my right provides minimal blood supply at best. My surgeon is a good sport and he is still stubborn as ever and told me he will do whatever he can to fix this thing.
So that's my PAES story. It's not over yet. I am requesting visitors bearing gifts especially funny cards or letters, episodes of Scrubs, and egg-free cookies while in the hospital so get your ovens ready!
Solitude
Running is a very solitary sport. Sure you can run with a group or join a club but in the end it's all up to you. I think that's what attracted me to running in the first place. I've never been one for team sports. I don't like the idea of doing my best and still losing because of the performance of somebody else. I want the responsibility of winning or losing to fall squarely on my shoulders. I don't want to rely on the work ethic or performance of others. If I put in the work I will see results, regardless of anybody else.
Some may think of running as a lonely sport. I think it all depends on your mindset and how one makes the distinction between solitude and loneliness. Loneliness brings to mind a variety of thoughts and emotions, mostly negative. When I think of being lonely I think of feeling alone in the universe. An island in a never ending sea or a single blade of grass in a vast back country field. The feeling of loneliness does not necessarily occur when one is alone. I have experienced feeling alone despite being amidst a crowd of people. A strong sense of being disconnected from others, whether real or imagined can be quite disconcerting. Writing about it brings up a panicky pit of emptiness deep in my chest, a silent scream clawing its way to the surface reaching out for somebody, anybody to notice. Being out on the road forces oneself to face this loneliness, even seek it out. There is nobody to comfort you as your footsteps echo on the trail, your breath cries out in the air and your mind wanders its way through its darkest depths. When you are afraid of what you will find at those depths is when running is truly lonely and giving up seems a welcome escape.
I believe running is a solitary sport. Why else would so many people torture themselves day after day, year after year, mile after mile? Solitude is quite different from loneliness. It evokes feelings of empowerment and independence. Solitude is a place where I can recharge my batteries, refuel the passion in my soul, and peacefully reflect on the universe, inward and all around. There is no panic or desperation, only solace and connection. Sometimes, when seeking out loneliness I find solitude instead. This is what keeps me going, what picks up one foot and puts it in front of the other. Call it runner's high or endorphins but I like to describe this serene euphoria as perfect harmony. When you bask in the light of the depths of your soul is when you are truly happy. Not alone, all one.
There comes a point in every run where you are forced to face the mirror of your true self and make a simple choice: give up or press on. Loneliness or solitude. It is here that your character is revealed and it is here that one finds emptiness or peace.
Press on...
Some may think of running as a lonely sport. I think it all depends on your mindset and how one makes the distinction between solitude and loneliness. Loneliness brings to mind a variety of thoughts and emotions, mostly negative. When I think of being lonely I think of feeling alone in the universe. An island in a never ending sea or a single blade of grass in a vast back country field. The feeling of loneliness does not necessarily occur when one is alone. I have experienced feeling alone despite being amidst a crowd of people. A strong sense of being disconnected from others, whether real or imagined can be quite disconcerting. Writing about it brings up a panicky pit of emptiness deep in my chest, a silent scream clawing its way to the surface reaching out for somebody, anybody to notice. Being out on the road forces oneself to face this loneliness, even seek it out. There is nobody to comfort you as your footsteps echo on the trail, your breath cries out in the air and your mind wanders its way through its darkest depths. When you are afraid of what you will find at those depths is when running is truly lonely and giving up seems a welcome escape.
I believe running is a solitary sport. Why else would so many people torture themselves day after day, year after year, mile after mile? Solitude is quite different from loneliness. It evokes feelings of empowerment and independence. Solitude is a place where I can recharge my batteries, refuel the passion in my soul, and peacefully reflect on the universe, inward and all around. There is no panic or desperation, only solace and connection. Sometimes, when seeking out loneliness I find solitude instead. This is what keeps me going, what picks up one foot and puts it in front of the other. Call it runner's high or endorphins but I like to describe this serene euphoria as perfect harmony. When you bask in the light of the depths of your soul is when you are truly happy. Not alone, all one.
There comes a point in every run where you are forced to face the mirror of your true self and make a simple choice: give up or press on. Loneliness or solitude. It is here that your character is revealed and it is here that one finds emptiness or peace.
Press on...
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The Long Journey Ahead
OK, so I already started training but I need all the time I can get. You see, I haven't run consistently since college and that was nearly a decade ago. In college I ran sprints and our "long" runs were a mere 20 minutes. My longest races in those days were 5K "training runs" where we had to beat all the distance runners to the 1K mark and then hold on for dear life the rest of the race. Ah, those were the days. Of course I was svelte and in shape back then. The difference now is I think I'm svelte and in shape but my body begs to differ. Begs, pleads, stomps, and carries-on...
Did I mention I'll be taking a "break" from training to have another bypass surgery? Oh yeah, details details. Blech. My original bypass graft has failed and the only way to fix it is to try another bypass. I have the option of running through hell and then having surgery in the fall or getting it over with ASAP and running through hell anyway. The latter please, ala mode. Thankfully, my surgeon knows me well. He asked if the calf pain is something I could live with. "I'm training for a marathon." He laughed, shook his head and said, "of course you are." He operated on me as a college athlete and I was an even worse patient back then. Me and my not wanting to take too many pain meds so I could run a week after surgery AND pass an NCAA drug test! Now I get to relearn to walk AND try to increase my mileage by no more than 10% each week! I do love a good challenge and if anyone can suck it up and get it done it's me.
Here is where my journey begins.
I wasn't planning on running a marathon any time soon. It was one of those "one day" dream goals with no concrete plan or deadline backing it up. I have my good friend M to thank for turning that dream into a reality. She made a comment that she'd like to do the marathon but really wanted a training partner to help her get ready. I, of course, readily agreed and here I am. Naturally, once the decision was made I instantly conjured up spreadsheets, training schedules, pace charts, and sample workouts. Yeah that's how I roll, organization is my forte.
To get us off on the right foot (haha I crack myself up sometimes) M and I entered the Race for Justice 5K on April 13th. I hadn't run all week and had worked the night before and ran a dismal 31.20. M, in her first race ever ran a speedy 27 minutes leaving me in the dust! Way to go girlfriend! I am happy for my friend but I have the fortunate disposition of being the most competitive person on the planet. This, of course, has the nasty side-effect of perfectionist thinking. I am a perfectionist but my therapist says that perfectionistic thinking is actually a thinking error so it is not good for me to think of myself as a perfectionist.
Hrmph.
Fine, I will grudgingly concede the point that nobody can be perfect. But somebody has to set the standard, agreed? Well that somebody might as well be me. So now I have reframed my perfectionistic thinking into setting the standard. My goal is to set the standard for the perfectly imperfect way to train for a first marathon as a former sprinter.
After that 5K I buckled down, laced up, and hit the roads. Yesterday I shaved 3 minutes off my time and am looking forward to another improvement in the next race on Mother's Day. I ran the Melpomene's annual race by the Mississippi River. Once I figure out how, I'll post a picture of me modeling the sweet yellow t-shirt. Perhaps I'll start an album of race t-shirts, I'm sure I'll have quite a collection in no time.
As race-day approaches I'll be entering longer and longer events to get my mind back in race-mode. Or at least keep it there.
My sister H, the marathon veteran and distance running superwoman, has also signed up for the marathon. I am looking forward to actually running with her this summer. It seems throughout our lives we have always watched each other run but have yet to actually enjoy the experience together. Maybe we can talk S, the little sister that is big, into running with us and then oh boy watch out! I imagine we'll spend more time laughing than running but runners need strong abs, right?
Thanks for sharing in my journey, I aim to entertain, amuse, and induce random fits of eyeball rolling. Leave a comment, or ten. I take requests.
Did I mention I'll be taking a "break" from training to have another bypass surgery? Oh yeah, details details. Blech. My original bypass graft has failed and the only way to fix it is to try another bypass. I have the option of running through hell and then having surgery in the fall or getting it over with ASAP and running through hell anyway. The latter please, ala mode. Thankfully, my surgeon knows me well. He asked if the calf pain is something I could live with. "I'm training for a marathon." He laughed, shook his head and said, "of course you are." He operated on me as a college athlete and I was an even worse patient back then. Me and my not wanting to take too many pain meds so I could run a week after surgery AND pass an NCAA drug test! Now I get to relearn to walk AND try to increase my mileage by no more than 10% each week! I do love a good challenge and if anyone can suck it up and get it done it's me.
Here is where my journey begins.
I wasn't planning on running a marathon any time soon. It was one of those "one day" dream goals with no concrete plan or deadline backing it up. I have my good friend M to thank for turning that dream into a reality. She made a comment that she'd like to do the marathon but really wanted a training partner to help her get ready. I, of course, readily agreed and here I am. Naturally, once the decision was made I instantly conjured up spreadsheets, training schedules, pace charts, and sample workouts. Yeah that's how I roll, organization is my forte.
To get us off on the right foot (haha I crack myself up sometimes) M and I entered the Race for Justice 5K on April 13th. I hadn't run all week and had worked the night before and ran a dismal 31.20. M, in her first race ever ran a speedy 27 minutes leaving me in the dust! Way to go girlfriend! I am happy for my friend but I have the fortunate disposition of being the most competitive person on the planet. This, of course, has the nasty side-effect of perfectionist thinking. I am a perfectionist but my therapist says that perfectionistic thinking is actually a thinking error so it is not good for me to think of myself as a perfectionist.
Hrmph.
Fine, I will grudgingly concede the point that nobody can be perfect. But somebody has to set the standard, agreed? Well that somebody might as well be me. So now I have reframed my perfectionistic thinking into setting the standard. My goal is to set the standard for the perfectly imperfect way to train for a first marathon as a former sprinter.
After that 5K I buckled down, laced up, and hit the roads. Yesterday I shaved 3 minutes off my time and am looking forward to another improvement in the next race on Mother's Day. I ran the Melpomene's annual race by the Mississippi River. Once I figure out how, I'll post a picture of me modeling the sweet yellow t-shirt. Perhaps I'll start an album of race t-shirts, I'm sure I'll have quite a collection in no time.
As race-day approaches I'll be entering longer and longer events to get my mind back in race-mode. Or at least keep it there.
My sister H, the marathon veteran and distance running superwoman, has also signed up for the marathon. I am looking forward to actually running with her this summer. It seems throughout our lives we have always watched each other run but have yet to actually enjoy the experience together. Maybe we can talk S, the little sister that is big, into running with us and then oh boy watch out! I imagine we'll spend more time laughing than running but runners need strong abs, right?
Thanks for sharing in my journey, I aim to entertain, amuse, and induce random fits of eyeball rolling. Leave a comment, or ten. I take requests.
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