forlorn follies

How easy it would be to succumb to seclusion.
How simple to dwell in darkness.
What luck it would be to lay forever in loneliness.
Solitude infinity.
Lost in abyss.

Where do you go when alienation overwhelms?
Which road do you choose when isolation is imminent?

I rose to the occasion.
To be trampled on thorns.

Extended my olive branch.
To be pitted by disinterest.

I was weak.
At least I thought I was.
I tried so hard to open the door.
Open the door to my Soul.
To let you in.
You.
It is not access I grant freely.
You.
I gave you free reign.
But you refused.
You resigned.
You judged.
You never gave me a chance.

She misses you.
But I can't say.
How I miss you.
Every. Single. Day.

Wore my heart on my sleeve.
Took a chance.
Took a risk.
But that isn't enough.
It's never enough.

I am never enough.

"I am not a pretty girl.
That is not what I do."

Apparently.

When will it end?
Not too soon.

Not

Too

Soon.

Press on.

5 Reasons Why...

...I love the first snowfall:

1. Snowflakes on my eyelashes during a wintry run.
2. Sipping homemade hot cocoa with Bailey's after #1.
3. Baking vegan cookies making my apartment smell of yummy deliciousness.
4. Snuggling next to my wood-burning fireplace, drinking #2 and eating #3.
5. Watching scary movies involving snowstorms next to #4.

Press on.

musings on the detached hero or Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor

Underneath the detached hero, the intellectual machine, the diamond armor, lays a frailty succumbing to never-lasting love, loneliness, and despair. Emotions betray our hero, but the only evidence is hidden as scars upon his withering soul. Slipping into compassion and love is indeed an injury from which our fallen hero cannot recover. The kiss of death. He falls. He fails. He loses. Again.

Press on.

/end hiatus

Now it's India's turn to be on hiatus. For those of you just joining me, feel free to check out Pathological Wanderlust for updates from my volunteer trip to India. For those of you reading on facebook, this blog is imported from http://stilesruns.blogspot.com

In other news, I am now 2.5 months out from ACL reconstruction. Yes, yes, I know, ANOTHER surgery. If there were a way to go pro as a complicated surgical case, I would be MVP for sure.

For those of you who don't know, I named my new knee Sheldon Cooper. He's a theoretical physicist. My knee is smart. My knee has also acquired the super-power of meteorology. It can predict the weather with up to 73% accuracy!

As many times as I've had to re-learn to walk again I am sorry to say it does not get easier. It still hurts. A lot. It is just as mentally draining as it is physical; just as frustrating as it is slow. In all honesty, it seems there have been more bad days than good. Perhaps only because I am still in the thick of it but some days I want to throw my hands up for the agonizingly slow pace of it all. Some days it seems I am progressing backward, even though that is not the truth.

As difficult as it is, I am constantly reminded of and thankful for all the small accomplishments along the way. For example, last week I was finally given the "ok" to start running. As much as I wanted to bust out a 5K, I stuck to my program and walked 5 min/ran 1 min x 5.

Let me just say that running one minute hasn't felt so satisfying since the last time I re-learned to run!

With that milestone out of the way it is now time to focus on the future. I am not allowed to do karate just yet so I have some time to focus on the running. I think a reasonable goal will be to do one of the New Year's 5K runs. I won't be hitting any PRs but it will be motivating to have something to look forward to. If anyone has any good race suggestions in the Minneapolis area, let me know!

Press on.

INDIA

This blog will be on hiatus as I embark on a fascinating journey to India.

Updates from India and beyond on my NEW blog: Pathological Wanderlust

See you there!

Press on.

Day 75

Today I researched travel packs and hiking sandals. Since I will be going in the heart of monsoon season, I will need some gear that will be able to stand up to the elements.

I've got to get back to studying the renal system, but tomorrow I will post information about some of the fascinating diseases I will encounter on my journey!

Press on.

---

Donations:
$3495 to go!

Hindi Phrase of the Day:
naa-ree a-di-kaar ke baa-re meng log kyaa soch-te hayng?
How do people feel about feminism?

Day 76

76 Days to go!

Dear family and friends,

As many of you know, I will be traveling to India this June as a volunteer with Child Family Health International to participate in a service learning opportunity to work with patients with communicable diseases. As a student nurse, this will provide a unique opportunity to work with diseases not usually seen here in the US and allow me to enhance and hone my clinical skills. As a human, this opportunity will allow me to learn from a culture half a world away and give back to the global health community.

As a volunteer, I will be responsible for all expenses related to the journey and am asking for your assistance. The program fee of $2195 includes modest room and board with a host family in Mumbai, payment to local medical directors under whom I will be working, and a small organizational fee to maintain the non-profit Child Family Heath International organization. I am also responsible for the $1300 airline ticket and any other travel expenses as needed.

I understand the economy is tough right now but any amount, no matter how small, will be greatly appreciated. I have set up a PayPal button on the upper right corner of my blog (for those of you reading on facebook, my blog is here). It requires a PayPal account (just an e-mail is required) but will accept credit/debit card payments as well. If you would prefer other arrangements, please send me a message and I'd be happy to work something out!

I will be posting daily statistics and tidbits of information related to the trip as the countdown continues and will maintain this blog in addition to a written journal during my 5 week stay.

Press on.

---

Donations:
$3495 to go!

Hindi Phrase of the Day:
kyaa mas-ha-ree mi-le-gaa/mi-le-gee? (m/f)
Could I have a mosquito net please?

crunch crunch, slide slide

The other morning I ventured out amongst the snowdrifts and was greeted by a glorious pink sunrise and serenaded by the crunch crunch of my shoes as they made their way down the icy path.

There's something serene about winter running I don't experience other times of the year.

Everything seems so still, so calm, so quiet.

I am usually the only one out and about and feel strength in the solitude. There are more obstacles to navigate, making a usual route feel rather unusual. The air is biting but fresh. What would seem an intolerable chill turns into a welcome breeze. The world is beautiful and in these moments it seems to belong to me alone.

I'd love to hear your winter running thoughts...

Press on.

You know you're old when...

"Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative."
-Maurice Chevalier

Today was one of the first days I've actually felt my age.

In case you are wondering, I am 29...for the third time.

I happen to feel as if I am in the worst athletic shape of my entire adult life. My run this afternoon only accentuated that feeling. I've been in various degrees of in-shapedness but never have I been such a well-rounded idler. The realization hit me about 30 seconds in to Staring Lake (one of my favorite runs). It hit like a ton of bricks...in my hamstrings, "damn, I'm old."

This was serious; I could barely do my usual swagger run when impressive-calf-muscles passed by. Believe me, there were plenty and I tried my best. Unfortunately, instead of looking awesome, I probably looked more like one of these guys.

I won't even begin to tell you about the elephant on my chest.

The remedy for sans swagger and pachyderms? A little dedication and consistency should take me from American Idle to Weekend Warrior in no time! I know, dream big.

Let's hope I can out-run my age tomorrow.

Press on.

txting sux

When I first discovered the wonders of text messaging I thought I had hit the jackpot. As I am not one who particularly enjoys talking on the phone I thought for sure this new phenomenon would forever protect me from awkward pauses, mouth breathers, and that smacking noise made by people who eat while talking on the phone. Ew. What I have come to discover is texting has its own set of problems that have become increasingly annoying and make me long for the days when people were just a phone call or short drive away. Examples? Yes, please:

1. There is absolutely no context. Communication is 60% nonverbal and texting pretty much negates the remaining 40%. How do I know you laughed at my witty remark? I have given "lol" the ole' college try but every time I write it it seems...unnatural. Like I'm trying to be 12 years old or something. Rarely is this abbreviation used correctly anyway and even when it is, it elicits more of an eye roll out of me than an...lol. How do you know if I am happy or sad or excited or crabby? It's real easy to fake all of the above and avoid the issue altogether with a "fine, nd u?"

Because of texting, I have learned I actually enjoy the communication process! I like awkward silences! I get a kick out of a good stare down and I absolutely love making other people smile. As for my alleged witty remarks, well I'd take a vacant stare from someone over an lol any day. I relish in observing body language and facial expressions. As strange as it sounds, I'd rather gather you up into my arms as I watch your heart break all over your face than read about the latest "wtf" moment from joe d-bag. Communication without context is like a body without soul.

2. Spellcheck much? I admit, I am one of those annoying people who thinks that spelling and basic grammar are important, not to mention good indicators of those who passed the first grade. Now I'm not saying I have the finest grammar or can win a spelling bee but I certainly know how to capitalize sentences, use basic punctuation, and spell words like "you" and "are" and I can certainly differentiate between "to" and "too." I understand that sometimes you are in a hurry and it's easier to type "rng l8 u2 stl thr?" than spelling it out but should you really be texting in the middle of traffic? I'd prefer just about anything over a car wreck.

3. Feigning interest, pseudo-intimacy, and vague questions/responses. I swear I'm going to punch someone if I get one more "what ru up2?" when what you really mean is, "I'm too busy (or don't care) to take the time to find out how you really are feeling or what really happened in your day so why don't you dumb it down into a sound byte, preferably misspelled?" If I ask someone how they are doing or how their day was I actually mean it. If you are my friend I want to know all the juicy details and I'll never be too busy to lend an ear for a daily round-up. That's the stuff you can't get from acquaintances and fake boyfriends. That's the good stuff.

4. Nothing says "I'd rather be anywhere but here" like the text message during dinner. You know the type: he or she can't go one hour without checking their phone in fear they might miss something from someone more interesting than you. It makes me feel so important when we're right in the middle of a conversation or a delicious pause and I hear the buzz buzz of the incoming text and watch in horror as you actually answer it. Seriously?! I've been tempted so many times to get up and leave right then and there.

So there you have it. I know that texting is an inevitablilty in our tech-obsessed culture and there are still instances when a text message is not only convenient, but sufficient and effective as well, but from now on I'm going to leave the meaningful dialogue and relationship-building goodies to the old fashioned phone call or face to face.

Press on.

face your fears

As a kid I was deathly afraid of water. It was a struggle just to get me near a bathtub and forget about a swimming pool or lake. I deduce the reason was because it was necessary to douse me in what I recall were ice-cold baths (actually they were tepid) in order to reduce the high fevers from painful kidney infections. The axe-in-your-side kind.

For some crazy reason my parents decided it was a good idea to put me in swimming lessons. I was around 10 or 11 and my poor swimming teacher couldn't even get me to put my face in the water.

Then something happened. I don't remember the exact details but I remember waking up one day and deciding that was the day I was going to jump in. Literally. Two years later I was on the high school varsity swim team and the local year-round swim club. Today I can't imagine my life without the water. The beach by the Pacific Ocean is my favorite place in the world and where I feel most at peace with the Universe.

Sometimes in life we are faced with various manifestations of my pool of water. The most frightening thing is, the only way to get to our Peace is to jump in.

Press on.

power to the people

Recently we had quite a barrage of storms pass through, one which briefly knocked out the power in my apartment. As I fumbled in the darkness I got to thinking about all the things one can do when the power goes out:

1. Play hide and go seek with flashlights. For super-seekers, ditch the flashlights and hone your night-vision.

2. Build a fire and make s'mores. Make mine with white chocolate and cinnamon grahams please.

3. Tell ghost stories. Nothing scares my socks off like a scary story. Use the flashlight under your chin for extra effects!

4. Take a hike! Hit the trails for a little midnight hike by moonlight.

5. Stargaze. Usually a difficult task so close to the cities but with the power out, the stars get a chance to shine.

Press on.

...and I will try to fix you

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Gotta love a little Coldplay once in awhile.

Have you ever tried to take something apart in order to put it back together again? I wonder if that's how our minds work. Something happens in our life that takes us apart, scattering pieces here and there. Once you think you've got everything put back together again you notice a few rogue pieces that didn't make it. What's puzzling is that our mind continues to function sans rogues. How difficult it is to discard erroneous pieces! Our first instinct is to break apart and make it work no matter what. We forget that our minds are designed to change, to adapt and thrive despite the addition or subtraction of various pieces.

And so we choose to force unnecessary breakage and get hung up in the details or we adapt and function without our previous hang-ups.

Any thoughts?

Press on.

V-Day doesn't have to be a downer...

So hey, in case you haven't noticed, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. For those of you in Love this is probably a day you are looking forward to; for those of you who are single or "on a break" this day can be daunting, depressing, and downright dismal. Good thing I have compiled a list of things to do instead of shooting yourself in the face on this, the finest of "Hallmark Holidays:"

1) Volunteer! Nothing will get you feeling better than making a difference in the lives of others. Here are some ideas:
-Feeling creative? Write a poem about what peace means to you and submit it here. Flowers will be wrapped in poems and distributed in cities throughout the land on V-Day.
-Check out Volunteer Match or google search "volunteer on Valentine's Day" for other opportunities in your area.
-Offer to babysit or spend time with your friend's bundle of joy, a niece or nephew, or your neighbor's "little angel." Nothing will put a smile on your face like the wisdom and antics of a child.

2) Snuggle a furry friend! For those of you with pets this will be easy. For others, check out your local Animal Humane Society or pet shelter (watch the intro it is so cute!) and take a field trip to snuggle the adorable little kitties, bunnies, and puppies! Awww!

3) Make a list of all the people in your life that you Love or have made a positive difference and why. Doesn't have to be elaborate or eloquent. Then call them and tell them about it (or text, e-mail, facebook, blog, etc.). Even if they aren't single on V-Day, I bet they will appreciate hearing from you and you will feel better knowing you are surrounded by Love. *One caveat: DO NOT call your ex-bf/gf/lover if the relationship is over. Focus on friends and family.

4) Clean out your closet and donate un-used items to ARC (in Richfield, MN) or your local Goodwill. You will have contributed to the well-being of others and you will have a clean closet!

5) Listen to up-beat "Happy" music. Dance around your house. Sing along. Refrain from turning on the radio, as most stations are likely to be playing a marathon of sappy Love songs.

6) Offer to cook dinner for another single friend or friends. Go easy on the wine, but heavy on the Love. This doesn't have to be elaborate; your friends will appreciate the food and you will appreciate the company. For those of you who don't cook there's always take-out or delivery!

7) GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! There is nothing worse than sitting at home alone on V-Day, listening to sappy Love songs, and wondering if you will be alone forever. Go for a hike, attend a local play/concert/event, or volunteer (see #1).

8) For those of you who are single, there is no better day to assure the availability of others than to hit the town on V-Day. Avoid anyone with doe-eyes and you should be money. If you are just looking to hook-up please don't forget Nirodh (this video is HILARIOUS, btw). I do not suggest hooking up if you are "on a break," remember that one Friend's episode?

9) Be happy you are not one of the unfortunate recipients of chocolate today. Blasphemy? No way! Did you know the production of chocolate relies on three fungi? Ewww! Check it out!

10) Finally, take my poll! For those of you reading from facebook, visit my blog and take the poll. Let me know what YOU are doing on V-Day so I can live vicariously :)

So that's it kids. Remember, this doesn't have to be the day you shoot yourself in the face. There are plenty of other ways to pass the time that are a tad more productive and conducive to living. If I missed anything please post a comment to share!

Press on.

dear downstairs neightbors...

Dear downstairs neighbors,

It smells like Phish fans and Snoop Dogg having a party at Cheech & Chong's.
From upstairs and down the hall.
Clove cigarettes do not cancel out the smell of weed.
Nor does spraying nauseating amounts of Febreze outside your door.
Just Say No.
Thank you.

Press on.

The wild, weird, & wacky world of microbes!

So I am taking microbiology this semester and am learning about the wild, weird, and wacky world of microbes. Who knew that bacteria was so...fascinating! Did you know we all have eye mites? How cool is it that we all have E. coli? Yes, everyone has it, just not the serotype O157:H7 that causes all sorts of nasties.

We are now starting to look at some of the smaller living things (but not as small as microbes) and I am particularly fascinated by worms! The latest fruits of independent, Internet time-wasting...AKA "research" include this: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/22529 little ditty about some of the strangest worms. While hardly cute, fuzzy, or pretty to look at under a microscope (like Staphylococcus aureus http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Staphylococcus_aureus) I'd say they are a pretty interesting group of beasties.

That is all.

Press on.

25 Things You Never Wanted to Know About Stiles

...but here they are anyway:

1. I will do anything for my family and friends, even at my own expense (but please see #9 before you ask).

2. I am a vegetarian. I don't eat anything with a mommy.

3. Despite having extensive documentation of my intelligence, I am incredibly forgetful. Please don't be offended if I forget something about you; I forget things about myself all the time. What was this list about again?

4. I always thought I'd be married with a house and kids by now and am rather disappointed about being 0 for 3.

5. I think the sound of babies crying is one of the sweetest sounds ever. Ask me why sometime.

6. I know all about channel 1. You can ask me about this sometime as well.

7. I don't sleep. Sometimes by choice but mostly because I don't have time. The world won't wait and I can sleep all I want when I'm dead.

8. I am terrible about keeping in touch with people. Really REALLY terrible. If we haven't spoken in awhile it's NOT because I don't think about you or because I don't want to, it's just because I get too busy or I simply forget (see #3). If we haven't spoken in awhile I would *love* to hear from you!

9. I am certified to: save your life, pump you up, and wipe your butt. I will gladly help you with the first two but only under exigent circumstances will I ever wipe your ass.

10. I don't give myself credit for anything ever. Unless my therapist reminds me to do so.

11. If I am still 0 for 3 on #4 in 3 years I'm canning the dream and dedicating my life to medicine (read as going to med school). It's the only way I can continue to justify my existence sans family.

12. I am what a radical feminist looks like.

13. I love me a well-developed pair of gastrocnemius muscles on men or women.

14. I am a nerd in biology lab, a geek at school, and a dork all the time.

15. My favorite bone is the sphenoid bone. It looks like a butterfly and has a Turkish saddle.

16. I've had more surgeries than all your grandparents put together.

17. My idea of a fun vacation includes going to Haiti to work with TB patients, Romania to work with kids in an orphanage, or Chile to do conservation work to save the wild chinchillas. I also wouldn't mind going to a deserted island and spending a week or 5 alone with the ocean.

18. I try really hard not to be disillusioned with life, love, and happiness. Sometimes I fail but I always dust myself off and try again.

19. I am a Ninja.

20. I'm typically not a touchy-feely person but my cousin in the veiny pencil (you know who you are Woo Honky Honk) gives THE BEST heart hugs. My sister Little Wheel is a close second. I look forward to them and wish more people would learn this fabulous skill.

21. If one could legally inject caffeine I would do so.

22. I hope that anyone who actually reads this will post a comment, even if it's just to say "hi."

23. I love lists. I have a list for just about everything. Lists are very helpful when I forget things which I tend to do a lot (have I mentioned #3). Here are some examples: bucket list, traits I am looking for in a significant other, 25 things you never wanted to know, the red flag list, places to go, microbes to gram stain, adventures to have, things to do during my planned spontaneous time...you get the picture.

24. Yes, I plan time to be spontaneous and have a list to consult with various spontaneous activities in which to engage (see #23).

25. No matter how bad things get, I know there is a fire within me that NOTHING and NOBODY can EVER extinguish.

The sum of this list = I am awesome. Anyone who thinks otherwise can suck it :)

Bruce's chin

I'm pretty sure Bruce Campbell has the greatest chin in Hollywood. It's quite possible he has the greatest chin outside Hollywood as well.

Over the weekend I concluded the swellest week ever with a few stellar events:

1) Seeing "My Name is Bruce" along with his live and in-person chin at the Lagoon.
I first heard about the "Evil Dead" movies in high school. A friend of mine thought "Evil Dead 2" was the greatest film ever made and I had to do some investigation on my own. I, of course, came to a similar conclusion: although it may not be the greatest it is definitely in my Top 10. Once in college I discovered that every Halloween, the Coffmann Union Theater (at the U of MN) played all three flicks back to back...to back! The audience was always quite vocal during these performances and every time I see the movies I retain the urge to shout "Bruce!" at random intervals...

2) Getting my apartment clean (except for one room) and finishing my laundry!

3) Discovering my new most favorite bar, Chatterbox. if you haven't been you must drop everything, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and proceed there immediately. Besides brewing their own beer and having an extensive menu, they have an impressive collection of board games one may check out for free and, for a small charge, an equally impressive selection of Atari, Sega, and original Nintendo games. My socks were definitely rocked!

I am a little over a week away from getting back to karate and running. Damn school is getting in the way of my six-pack! Let's all hope I survive finals week in one piece.

Press on.

The Swellest Week Ever

Apparently I'm in quite the write-y mood lately so here is an update on the swellest week ever. The best part? It's not even over yet!

Sweet.

So let me count the ways in which it has been swell:

1. Watching Blood Car again.
2. Being reminded how sweet Dylan Hicks is.
3. Watching LOTR while cleaning my apartment.
4. The Vikings kicked some Bear behind on Sunday.
5. Visited the fam and laughed until my sides hurt at all the funny things my 1 1/2 year old nephew was doing.
6. Dancing with my nephew; the kid's got some moves!
7. Getting another 100% on a math test.
8. Singing karaoke at U Otter Stop Inn.
9. Just going to a place called U Otter Stop Inn!
10. Writing a 9 page paper I am rather proud of (see previous entry if you dare).
11. Seeing dead people. Literally.
12. Starting my first IV on one of the nurses brave enough to let me poke her!
13. Did I mention I started an IV? Eat your heart out new-grads, I got mine checked off and I haven't even started yet!
14. Making lists for no reason.
15. Baking Vegan Raspberry Almond Torte Cookies and making my apartment smell of yummy deliciousness.
16. The lecture on the digestive system = saying poop in class and discussing, at length, the "vomit center" located in the 4th ventricle of the brain.
17. Three words: reproductive system lecture. Damn I love anatomy!
18. Discovering 2 new uses for Colgate toothpaste that have nothing to do with teeth!
19. ???

What's next? Well for sure seeing Stace Face and Bruce Campbell on Friday night but I can't wait to find out the rest!

Press on.

essay fun

Since I labored all weekend and all day on this essay for my cultural anthropology class I thought it prudent to share with y'all. It is 9 pages short. Yes kids, SHORT! I spend the entire day today cutting it down as it was about 12 pages in its original form. Guess how long it was supposed to be? 3-4 pages and/or 750-1000 words. WHAT???!!! That's crazy! How can I possibly write a comprehensive essay in that amount of space? Geez. Let's just hope I don't lose too many points for having a lot to say on what I think is an interesting topic. So here it is, the short SHORT version:

AMERICAN ADAPTATIONS TO TRADITIONAL GENDER RELATIONS AMONG HMONG IMMIGRANTS

INTRODUCTION
American culture is rich with stories of a variety of immigrant populations arriving in pursuit of the “American dream” of wealth and prosperity through hard work. Some immigrants, such as many Hmong, are here not by choice but rather, to escape ethnic persecution in their native land. Many Hmong have escaped their homeland of Laos as political refugees under Communist regime due to their involvement in aiding American forces during the Vietnam War. Since their arrival in America, the Hmong have been forced to undergo many cultural changes. One of the most significant changes is in traditional versus modern gender relations. Traditional Hmong culture views women as inferior to men and many immigrants have trouble adapting to American cultural standards of gender equality. In the book, “I Begin My Life All Over” by Lillian Faderman and Ghia Xiong, the experience of many Hmong immigrants are described in their own words. One section, entitled “Women and Men,” describes in detail some of the difficulties the Hmong have had merging traditional Hmong gender relations with modern American practices. Of note, the practices of kidnap marriage and polygamy have undergone drastic upheavals due to differences in American culture. Unfortunately, while many of the disparities between men and women have begun to erode, progress is not always apparent in the day-to-day domestic life of the American Hmong.

TRADITIONAL HMONG GENDER RELATIONS
Stemming from ancient Hmong folklore, women are thought of as inferior and treated as such in Hmong society. According to legend, the first humans lived in an earthly paradise knowing not the meaning of hard work or death. They relied on the plentiful earth for sustenance and were joyful and content until one day; a woman drank water from a forbidden stream and ate the forbidden white strawberry. Because of this, the first humans were cast out of their paradise forever and forced to toil hard for food and die at the end of their lives. This original sin is inherited by all women and for this they are treated inferior.

Hmong society, reflecting the notion that men are superior, is patriarchal, patrilineal, and patrilocal. Women are not legally considered a person in Laos and therefore may not participate in government or negotiate contracts. Women have no say over when or whom to marry and usually, a “bride piece” is paid to her family in exchange for marriage. Men, his male relatives and the male relatives of his desired bride are the sole negotiators in marriage proceedings. So-called “catch-hand” or kidnap marriages are common where a young girl is kidnapped from her family by a man wishing to marry her. Because a young, virginal bride is desired, her fate is sealed after spending one night with his family and her family usually agrees to the union. Men are permitted to marry multiple wives but women may not marry more than one husband. If a woman wants a divorce, she may initiate one but not without considerable cost to her and her family including the significant loss of reputation within the family and community at large. Her family must also return the bride piece, her husband retains rights to any children, and the woman is considered damaged goods making remarriage difficult.

The inferior status of women permeates well beyond the legal realm. When a girl is born, instead of honoring her placenta as with a boy’s, hers is buried in shame underneath the bed. Education is irrelevant because as soon as a girl marries she no longer contributes to her family of origin. Once married, she is expected to bear many children, especially sons, and take care of her in-laws and their children. Women’s bodies are considered dirty during menstruation and for one month post-partum. They must always walk 5 steps behind men and it is tradition that during meals, men are served first and separate from women.

Changes in traditional gender relations between Hmong men and women began in refugee camps in Thailand. There, financial opportunities previously unavailable in Laos arose for women by selling stitchery. For the first time, women could contribute to the financial security of the family giving them power and a sense of independence. In Laos, it is now possible for women and girls to attend school. Education is a quintessential solution for oppression and ignorance; because of it, women and girls in Laos are now demanding equality.

These changes, and many more, continue here in America as each new generation of Hmong decide which of their traditional ways to keep and which to discard in the name of progress and assimilation. Many Hmong men are unemployed and women have become the sole breadwinners selling needlework. The importance of bearing children is far less due to the financial hardships a large family incurs. Because of American laws, girls are required to earn an education and are not permitted to marry before the age of 16. Daughters are now expected to finish high school before getting married. Modern marriage is not always arranged by relatives or via kidnap. Polygamy may be practiced unofficially, but is not legally recognized.

There is a generational gap regarding attitudes involving change and despite much progress in gender equity, domestic life remains much the same. Newlyweds are still expected to reside with the man’s family and the new bride is expected to care for her in-laws and their family. Strict gender roles in the home are still ingrained as described by participants in the New Year Miss Hmong pageant. When asked about their hobbies, the girls, none of whom desired to be housewives, maintained rather traditional responses:

“’In my spare time I like to help my parents and do work around the house.’ ‘My favorite thing to do when I am not studying is cook for the family.’ My hobby is taking care of children.’” (130)

Each of the participants had aspirations to become career professionals but not one had an identity or expressed interests beyond career and family. Interestingly enough, when probed about their career choices, many responded with a desire not for personal success, but rather, for a chance to financially support her husband or future husband in his dreams and goals.

SPECIFIC ADAPTATIONS TO CATCH-HAND MARRIAGE AND POLYGAMY
Many traditional Hmong relationships between men and women have been adapted to comply with an American culture where feminism and equality are often taken for granted. The adaptation of catch-hand marriages was necessary because kidnapping is illegal in America. Shone Yang, a Hmong immigrant and college student describes an American ramification of this type of marriage:

“Today it is still happening in the United States, but not very much, because the girl or her family calls the police.” (134)

Being thrown in jail is not conducive to marriage so changes had to be made to the old tradition. Unfortunately, when traditions are altered, there are no rules and sometimes things don’t work out as planned. One such situation happened to Phooj Thao (pseudonym) who tried his version of an Americanized catch-hand marriage with another Hmong girl. The two met and fell in love while students at a junior college. Instead of kidnapping her unawares, he asked her to come home with him implying that they would be married. She agreed and upon arrival, Thao announced to his father he had brought home a wife. Unfortunately, upon hearing of her location and intent to marry Thao from his male relatives, the girl’s female relatives arrived to bring her home. After much argument and objection, the girl’s relatives called the police and unfortunately, despite what had been promised to Thao in private, the girl did not openly object to returning home with her relatives. Thao describes the scene that day:

“…she did not say anything to the police, and that was when she let the ladies pull her away. She was crying, but she did not open her mouth.” (142)

Thao never saw her again. In line with traditional Hmong values and in contrast to American culture, a Hmong girl is not always free to choose whom to marry. She desires the choice but will often object in silence as her relatives decide for her. The means by which a marriage is arranged have been modified but ultimately, the family retains the right to decide whom a girl should marry.

Another necessary adaptation of traditional Hmong gender relations is in the practice of polygamous marriages. Because it is illegal, immigrants with multiple wives must legally unwed all but one. Because of this, it is accepted in Hmong culture for men, not women, to have extra-marital affairs. Sometimes, a man will unofficially marry more than one woman. Elizabeth Mee Vang’s husband wanted to do just that but she vehemently objected. She describes how hurtful and hypocritical this practice is and wishes Hmong men would consider the feelings of the women they hurt:

“I would just like for men to see us women having two husbands, and then see how they feel. Men are the most jealous of all. They get mad at you even if you’re just talking to your cousin who happens to be a man, if they don’t know him.” (144)

This double-standard is frustrating to Vang who wants desperately to be seen and treated as an equal. American standards of equality, while encouraging for women such as Vang, have presented Hmong men with the challenge of understanding their oppressive behaviors and sometimes forcing them to make adjustments. Vietnam War veteran Soua Teng Vang (no relation to Elizabeth Mee Vang) thinks his worst problem after arriving in America is not being able to control his wife. He has been arrested many times after his wife has called the police during arguments and has trouble understanding why women are “given” so many rights in America. He thinks men are dying in their sleep because they are too stressed over the upheaval in gender relations:

“It seems like anything I do I could get in trouble for. I guess this might be one of the reasons why our Hmong men die in our sleep, why we have sudden death syndrome. First we had a tragic war, and now our young men can’t really deal with the change in our caste system.” (146)

Faderman and Xiong describe this syndrome as Sudden Unexpected Nocturnal Death Syndrome. According to their book, it occurs among otherwise healthy immigrant men. Neither the authors nor Soua Teng Vang provide information beyond speculation as to the real epidemiology of this illness.

While many other necessary adaptations to traditional Hmong culture exist, the changes required for kidnap marriage and polygamy were enforced immediately due to laws banning such practices here in America. This made change inevitable simply to enter the country and to function as a law-abiding citizen.

CONCLUSION
Immigrants from every corner of the world come to America seeking a better life. Whether the choice is voluntary or not, each immigrant must deal with issues in merging the culture from whence they came and the unique culture that exists in their new home. For the Hmong, a big challenge must be overcome as traditional gender relations regarding women as inferior clash with modern ideas of feminism. Long-held beliefs that women are not equal to men are challenged and ultimately doomed. The practices of catch-hand marriages and polygamy are especially troublesome as each carries legal consequences in America therefore making change necessary and sudden. Adaptations are needed as each generation struggles to find an identity in an ever-evolving society. While change may seem drastic to first-generation Hmong, it can seem tedious and slow to second and third-generation immigrants who find that little has changed in domestic life. Mai Xiong (pseudonym) describes just how little things have changed from the time her parents were in Laos to the present where she, as a daughter-in-law, is still expected to do all the cooking and cleaning for her husband’s family despite her busy school schedule. In essence, she has two full-time jobs with no expectation of help from her husband or anyone else in his family. The burden is hers and hers alone. Compounding this is the fact that men are still required to eat before the women, thus doubling her work at dinner-time leaving her little time for her studies. Her situation punctuates the fact that the Hmong have a long way to go before women are truly seen and treated as equal to men. There is hope, as Ia Vang Xiong’s father states:

“’At this time and age it makes no difference whether she’s a girl. Here in America there is no difference.’” (163)

As a first-generation immigrant this statement provides a glimmer of hope that change involving gender relations, while necessary, is possible even in the eyes of men.

POSTSCRIPT
I learned a lot during the process of this essay. It was interesting and heart-wrenching to read more about the history of the Vietnam War and Hmong involvement with American troops. I did not realize the extent of their involvement, with as many as 50% of the adult male population dying in the name of America only to be shunned and kept hidden from the society they died to represent.

As a pre-nursing student I questioned the validity of statements made regarding Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome and came across an interesting article in the International Journal of Epidemiology (cited below). According to the article by Goh, Chao, Heng, Koo, and Poh entitled “Epidemiology of Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome among Thai Migrant Workers in Singapore” the cause of the syndrome is actually attributed to anomalies in the conduction system of the heart, not unruly wives or stress involving gender relations. If what Vang thought were true, men of all backgrounds would be dying left and right.

Finally, as an American woman growing up in the so-called “post-Feminist era,” I find it appalling that women are treated with such disdain and hatred. It angers me that we are still considered less-than our male counterparts in Hmong culture. It is also fascinating to see how much American gender relations have changed in a single generation and how much progress has yet to be made. I think that despite the unfortunate circumstances of their arrival, and the hardships that must be endured in order to change long-held ideologies about gender relations, the Hmong are making significant progress but like us, still have a long way to go.



BIBLIOGRAPHY
L FADERMAN, with G XIONG
I Begin My Life All Over

K T GOH, T C CHAO, B H HENG, C C KOO, and S C POH
Epidemiology of Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome among Thai Migrant Workers in Singapore
Int. J. Epidemiol. 22: 88-95.


---

Press on.